(Note: This is my story about my participation in a very cool project called Virtual Choir 3.0, a virtual project initiated by Grammy Award winning classical composer, Eric Whitacre. Members were asked to write their stories if they liked, so this is mine. I've posted it here in my blog, not only for ease of access, but also to share with anyone who happens to stumble upon my site - it's a fantastic project - you can read my story, then go check out here: Eric Whitacre Virtual Choir 3.0 for the latest news on the upcoming premiere on April 2nd, 2012. You can also go here: Eric Whitacre Virtual Choir 2.0 to get an idea of what's coming. I think you will really be amazed!)
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| I'm 13 from the left, 5th row up from the bottom! |
I got off to a musical start when, at the age of 5, I very quickly picked up the piano. I added the viola at age 9 and then through the years dabbled in a few other instruments ranging from saxophone to guitar, but the one instrument for which I always longed to be competent was my voice!
At a very young age, I somehow picked up the impression that I had a terrible voice. As I have pondered this over the years, I cannot actually come up with any defining moments – no one I can recall ever said to me, “Yuck – your voice is terrible” or “Stop singing – you're hurting my ears!”. However, as best as I can figure, no one ever actually said, “you have a great voice!” or even “Your voice is nice...'. I guess since I was used to really impressing people with my piano playing prowess and even my less than amazing viola playing (which was really bolstered by the fact that I was only 1 of 3 viola players in all of Kalamazoo County!), that I figured if no one was giving out complements on my voice, then it must be really bad. As a result, I got to a point, pretty early on, in which I refused to sing a note out loud when anyone was in the vicinity. Oh, I loved to really belt it out in private! I used to hole up in my room or in the basement, when no one else was home, and I would pretend I was performing in concert to the likes of Elton John, The Best of Bread and – yes – I'll admit it – Barry Manilow (come on, if you are of a certain age, you will likely have to admit you did it too!), but as soon as I suspected anyone was due to come home, I would quickly pick up a book and arrange myself so that no one would have a clue.
This really makes me sad when I stop to think about it. I deprived myself of so many wonderful experiences in my younger (and even my not so younger) days. All of the cool kids (the ones I considered cool) were in the chorus in high school, but I was too petrified to open my mouth to “try out” - the try outs were solely for vocal placement – no one didn't make it into choir! I couldn't try out for any of the school plays in which I so desperately wanted a part (the only play I was ever actually IN was called “10 Nights in a Bar Room” in which I was asked to play the part of the saloon piano player!). I have always dreamed of being in a rock band! I even wrote a bunch of songs when I was 16 with one of my best friends and we actually got as far as forming an actual fictitious band! We had a name, composed about 15 original songs (some of which I STILL think are pretty good to this day!), and we even did a photo shoot for one of the member's photography projects, in which she designed a record album cover (remember those? That was what you call those big, black, oversized CDs that play on those old fashioned things called Stereos!). We were called the Curls and though we had lots of fun with it, and even acquired a whole set of instruments with high hopes, we had two really big strikes against us in terms of some day truly getting the band off the ground. Number one – no one but me knew how to play any instruments and while I was a pretty good keyboard player, I could not for the life of me figure out how to play it WHILE also playing the drums and guitars! And Number two – no one, most especially me, would sing....Interestingly, my baby brother DID actually go on to rock and roll stardom (he's in the band Okgo!), so I have been living somewhat vicariously through him for many years.
Flash forward to about 15 years ago, somewhere in my 30's, I happened to be substitute teaching in a preschool classroom and I thought it would be fun to introduce some music into the curriculum. I borrowed a friend's guitar and decided that if I closed the door so that no other grown ups could hear me, then I could very likely manage to sing out loud with this group of 3 year olds. So that is what I did and I really enjoyed it (and so did they!). It became a regular part of the day while I was there and then one day, lo and behold, someone walked in while we were still in the middle of our song time! I am pretty sure my face turned beet red – I was mortified that someone actually had heard me. I waited for laughter or embarrassment on the part of the interloper when they realized how truly awkward this moment was, but a strange thing happened...her face brightened and she said, “Wow – that's great! Would you come into our classroom and do some music with our kids?”
Well, long story short(er), that turned out to be the beginning of a real ripple effect and changed the course of my life. One thing lead to another and I now make (much of ) my living through music and, yes, singing! In front of lots of people – however, I've pretty much stuck to children's music. And I've kind of made it a personal mission to help educate as many people as I can that, if they want to, they too can sing, and most likely, pretty well!
That was all a very long and winding road, leading up to my having found out about VC3.0, from a dear local friend, just about 2 weeks before the deadline! Now – I have pretty much stuck to just children's/folk music, which is still a fairly safe arena for me. I definitely do NOT have a choral voice and it definitely NOT a classically (or otherwise) trained voice. And initially, the idea seemed like a really cool one to me, in concept. But I hemmed and hawed for a number of reasons, including not enough time to learn the somewhat (in my opinion) difficult music. The friend that told me about VC3.0 is not someone that identifies as a singer per se, and while I knew she had a certain interest in being involved in the project, I didn't actually think she was going to do it – it seemed less likely to me that she would do it, then I! Over the course of the next 6 or 7 days, I would wistfully think about how cool it would be to participate, but just couldn't figure out a way to make it happen. And then....my friend announced that she HAD learned the music and had recorded and uploaded HER entry! What?
At this point, it really began to eat at me – there was less than 1 week til deadline and the more I thought about it, the more I found that I could not bear to NOT be included, now that her entry was in! Not a very lofty motive, but what can I say? As Malcom X said, “by any means necessary”. It was exactly what I needed to propel me into action.
It was the day of the deadline. As soon as the kids left the house for school, at about 7:50am, I ran to the computer and began to try to learn my part (wound up with a sort of Alto 3-ish with hints of Alto 4 sprinkled throughout...). While I by no means felt ready, the clock was a-tickin' and my kids were going to be home soon, so I knew that if I wanted to be included, I needed to start recording. By the time my kids arrived home at 3:00, I was still at it, and probably up to about take number 120! I was feeling pretty frustrated and not a little dejected – time was running out, my house was not going to be empty again before the deadline and I did not want to let this opportunity pass me by, but none of my takes was even remotely close to perfect – and by perfect, I mean hitting every note, not making any mistakes at all. I've come a long way since the days of my youth – I was not ashamed of the fact that I do not have a beautiful choral voice, but I DID want to at least perform the whole song correctly. But at this point, it was fish or cut bait, or in VC terms – sing or get left out of the video!
I made the very grave mistake of playing my video, before uploading it to the VC3.0 site while my husband was walking past. Now, I love my husband more than I can say – he is my soul mate in every sense of the word, of this I am sure, but in this moment, I don't know what possessed him, in a fit of extremely insensitive and uncharacteristic behavior, he started cracking up! All of the insecurities of my youth came rushing back full force – it's amazing how quickly it can happen. And in that instance I decided there was no way in hell I was uploading my video. What could I have been thinking?
My friend, who had been keeping up with my progress throughout the day, had called to see if I had completed the upload process and I filled her in on what had happened and how I was abandoning ship. Very thankfully, she gave me a pep talk, which reminded me of everything I had overcome over the years and it became very clear to me that not only did I really, very badly want to participate in the Virtual Choir, even with my sub par video – it was very clear that I really HAD to do it. Otherwise, everything I had been practicing and preaching these past years was meaningless. While I know, without a doubt, I could never be one of Eric Whitacre's Singers (with a capital “S”), there is no reason in the world why my voice, particularly when joined with thousands of others (3,746 to be exact!), isn't good enough. I even made the decision to make my video upload public, mind you, with the exception of this story, I'm not actually PUBLICIZING the fact that my video is out there or that it can be viewed by anyone, but it IS there, on my youtube channel for all the world to see, and you know what? It's ok – go ahead and laugh. I can now admit, that on it's own, it is a little humorous. It's also more than a little brave and more than a little ok in parts. And most miraculously, when blended with the other voices from around the entire WORLD it's A LOT AMAZING!!!
Eric Whitacre, I thank you for this wonderful opportunity that you provide to basically anyone with access to the internet (plus a video camera and microphone!). I've read many poignant and touching stories from many of the other participants and while I was/am a late comer to the scene, I've gained an awful lot from the whole process and I so look forward to the premiere in NYC, which I plan to attend (already have my ticket and travel plans arranged!) and onward to VC 4.0!!!
~julie nordwind adler
Albany, NY
